Passover has always been a meaningful holiday for the author, who began celebrating it in college with friends. The rituals of reading the Haggadah, breaking matzah, and asking the Four Questions became important traditions for them. Bernie Sanders dropping out of the 2020 presidential race on the first night of Passover led to a quiet moment of mourning, imagining what it would have been like to have a Jewish president who shared in these ancient traditions genuinely rather than for PR purposes. The author reflects on the importance of Passover and its rituals in shaping their Jewish identity.
The author explores the significance of keeping kosher during Passover, which involves avoiding leavened bread and other carb-rich foods. They connect this dietary restriction to their struggles with disordered eating, particularly binge eating disorder. Reflecting on the pressure to conform to a certain body type and the mirage of thinness, the author finds frustration in denying themselves the foods they love. This tension between religious observance and body image issues raises difficult questions for the author about how to navigate Passover rituals while being mindful of their mental health.
Despite experiencing conflicting emotions about observing Passover and keeping kosher, the author’s relationship with their faith has evolved, particularly in light of the ongoing Israel–Hamas conflict. While mourning the violence in Gaza, the author feels more connected to their Jewish faith than ever before. They express a desire to embrace their faith more fully and participate in traditions like fasting and keeping kosher to honor their ancestors’ customs and to cultivate a deeper connection to their Jewish identity. This shift represents a move towards a more active and intentional engagement with Judaism.
The author’s anxiety about doing things correctly on Jewish holidays, such as ensuring their challah game is on point, reflects their desire to connect with their faith in a meaningful way. However, their history of disordered eating complicates their relationship with religious practices that involve food restrictions. The author is wary of engaging in any behavior that could trigger old patterns of bingeing, calorie counting, and excessive exercise. This tension between honoring religious traditions and maintaining mental health underscores the complexity of navigating faith and personal struggles.
As the author grapples with their connection to Judaism and the impact of the Israel–Hamas conflict on their faith, they strive to embrace their heritage more fully. They seek to move beyond a superficial, cultural connection to Judaism and engage with its traditions in a more intentional and meaningful way. By observing customs like fasting and keeping kosher on specific holidays, the author aims to ground themselves in their faith’s teachings, drawing strength from the lessons of the past while working towards a more just and liberated future. This shift represents a deeper commitment to their identity as a Jew and a desire to actively engage with the complexities of their faith in a changing world.
