The author reflects on her religious upbringing in a Seventh-Day Adventist church school, where sex was heavily policed and demonized. Lessons on morality and sexuality were taught through metaphorical examples such as the imagery of a dirty, stained shirt that had been “stained and stretched out by other men.” Girls were subjected to strict dress codes and constant monitoring of their appearance, with the burden of responsibility placed on them to prevent any sexual indiscretions. The author rebelled against this oppressive environment, feeling the need to explore her own understanding of sex and pleasure outside of the confines of her faith.
Driven by curiosity and a rebellious spirit, the author sets her sights on an exchange student named Nicholas Bonetti at the nearby public high school. Ignoring the warnings against competitive sports as a sin, she strategically positions herself at his basketball games in an attempt to catch his attention. Despite her efforts, their interactions remained platonic until she devises a plan to seduce him at his workplace, a local pizza restaurant. The author unapologetically pursues Nick with determination, embracing her newfound sense of agency in exploring her own sexuality.
In a candid and raw account of her first sexual experience, the author describes the excitement and liberation she felt in defying the repressive teachings of her upbringing. Her encounter with Nick symbolized a rejection of the shame and guilt associated with sexuality in her religious community. However, as she navigates subsequent relationships and experiences over the years, she grapples with a deeper disconnect between physical intimacy and personal fulfillment. Sex becomes a performance, devoid of meaning or emotional connection, as she struggles to reclaim agency over her own desires.
Through a series of failed relationships and personal growth, the author eventually finds herself in a new and unexpected connection with a woman. This marked shift in her romantic and sexual orientation challenges the conventional norms and expectations she was raised with, prompting her to embrace a more fluid and open approach to love and intimacy. As she reframes her understanding of sex and pleasure, she recognizes the power in owning her body and claiming her own desires, free from the constraints of societal expectations and religious dogma.
In a poignant reflection on her journey of self-discovery, the author confronts the fears and insecurities that held her back from fully embracing her sexuality. She acknowledges the importance of allowing oneself to explore different facets of desire and pleasure without judgment or shame. By relinquishing control and embracing vulnerability, she discovers a newfound sense of autonomy and liberation in navigating her relationships and experiences. Ultimately, she realizes that true empowerment comes from embracing one’s authentic self and finding the courage to seek out the shirts that fit best, regardless of societal expectations.
