The urge to fix someone or change their behavior is a common phenomenon experienced in many relationships, as seen in Taylor Swift’s song “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can).” This desire often stems from feelings of wanting to be a savior or a sense of control over chaotic or unstable environments. Fixing someone can make you feel good about yourself and provide a temporary sense of purpose, but it can lead to unhealthy, codependent dynamics.
Therapists emphasize that people cannot be “fixed” and that true change must come from within the individual. Trying to fix someone can be harmful and lead to an abandonment of self. Instead of focusing on fixing others, it is important to engage in self-reflection, remind yourself of what a healthy relationship looks like, support the person’s desire to change, prioritize self-love and self-care, and create a strong support system.
The need to fix others often originates from childhood or adolescent experiences where individuals were given more responsibility than was developmentally appropriate or were constantly prioritizing others’ needs over their own. This behavior can create a sense of emotional dependency on deriving value from being the helper, leading to a blurred line between helping and fixing.
Attempting to fix someone can imply that they are deficient or dysfunctional, overlooking their autonomy and individual agency. It’s essential to recognize the difference between helping and fixing, and to set boundaries and avoid emotionally investing in the outcome of the situation. Change can only come from the person themselves, and it is crucial to respect their autonomy and choices.
Instead of trying to fix someone, it is recommended to engage in self-reflection, remind yourself of what a healthy relationship entails, support the person’s desire for change, prioritize self-love and self-care, and build a strong support system. Therapy can also be beneficial in uncovering the root causes of fixing behavior and creating healthier relationship dynamics. Remember that taking care of yourself and setting boundaries is crucial in developing fulfilling relationships.
